Humor: August 2005 Archives
Meet the Gay Black Jewish Klansmen for Tolerance and Understanding.
This image makes me very happy. (I got this
link from JewSchool,
not sure where they got it)
This one is making the rounds...
Subject: News from Washington.......July 23, 2005.....Authorities Overwhelmed
In an effort to overcome the continuing criticism that he is unsupportive and dismissive of Israel, one of America's closest allies, today President Bush announced that he is converting to Judaism in the hope that this will demonstrate his affinity and empathy with the Israeli people.
Authorities have been unable to handle the thousands of applicants who volunteered to be the moyel.
The low-carb folks weigh in on
the Flying Spaghetti Monster, forming a rival sect called Bacontarianism,
which offers up the
Carbonara compromise.
However, we do not know what Pastafarians believe about the LARD. We do not know whether they recognize bacon as a sacrament or whether they understand the importance of the Holy LARD in both religious practice and daily life.
Meditating on this issue over a bacon-laced Cobb salad, I realized that there’s a number of strong indications that our Pastafarian bretheren may, indeed, be our brothers and sisters in the LARD. The Pastafarian liturgy ends its prayers with a solemn “Ramen”. As we all know, ramen is generally served in a pork-based broth and usually features multiple slices of roast pork atop the noodles. At the very least, we know that the Pastafarians are not abstainers, or worse, vegetarians.
I'm hungry now.
An open letter to the Kansas Board of Education...
I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.
Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.
It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.
Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.
I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.
It is highly important that you read the whole thing.
Photos
