Humor: January 2005 Archives

From Fafblog (thanks to BoingBoing)

Q: If we à ­re borrowing trillions of dollars, and the government already owes trillions of dollars, and the Social Security crisis is a debt problem anyway, how does this help Social Security?
A: Quick we have to act fast! We only have twenty years to go!
Q: I thought we had forty years.
A: Now we have ten! It is a ticking bomb.
Q: Oh no! In these extreme circumstances we have to privatize Social Security!
A: If we don't, the terrorists win.
Q: I Ã ­ll hold it down. You get the electrodes!
A: It à ­s so crazy, it just might work!

Q: I à ­m following you so far, but what if privatization à –
A: It à ­s not privatization it is private accounts.
à Q: Alright then, what if these private accounts –
A: They are not private accounts they are personal accounts.
Q: Okay, if these personal accounts à –
A: They are not personal accounts, they are privamatupilous splendiferacy.
Q: I forgot what I was talking about.
A: Oh good! Have a lollipop with your splendiferacy.

So I'm not the only one who is always coming up with band names like "Weird Meat Dessert!" From the Chronicle...

You're probably not capable of playing a musical instrument, if you've picked one up at all. You certainly can't carry a tune, as was proven during that toneless office party rendition of "Sexual Healing." There's a chance you don't even have enough friends to form a musical group.

But everyone, it seems, knows exactly what they would name their band.

It's a natural reaction, in part because the names of most mainstream bands are totally lame. While few of us will ever play an instrument or sing better than the members of U2 or Pearl Jam, anyone with a pulse could think up a better name for either group.

While I've picked up my guitar less than 10 times since college, I've become a sort of Dave Grohl of imaginary musicians, with enough names for a main band, several side projects and the supergroup I plan to form years from now with Dan the Automator and members of Journey.

My current Top 5 band names, in descending order of coolness:

5. Cabana Boy

4. Gondor Calls for Aid ... And Rohan Will Answer!

3. M.C. Gordon Getty and the New Kennedys

2. Bastards!

1. Surefire Harbinger of Doom

Lest you think you're the only one with a great name for a band, ask the people in the cubicles around you. The chances are they know exactly what they would name their band, and it's better than anything in the Top 40. Just among my colleagues who sit within 10 feet, future plans exist for Medulla Oblongata, Samoan Quincea à ’era, the Erectile Dysfunctions and a group called Breakfast, which I'm told will play only acoustic covers of songs from the Wu-Tang Clan.

But nobody, nobody rocks it like Weird Meat Dessert!

From the Australian:

"Australian feminist author Germaine Greer has officially quit Britain's Celebrity Big Brother household just five days in, after coming to blows with Brigitte Nielsen - the former Mrs Sylvester Stallone - over culinary concerns."

When I was a kid, I had a couple of books called The Book of Lists which was pretty much what the title says it was. The lists were wonderful. I wish I could remember them better, but they included lots of odd factoids and historical tidbits. (Oddest presidential assassination attempts, that sort of thing.)

I've recently been informed of two websites that are also all about lists. They aren't nearly as informative, but I think I'll have a lot of fun with them too.

McSweeney's Lists
Sample list: "Alternatives to "Opening a Can o' Whupass" for the Less Confrontationally Inclined"
Sample item from list: "Unzipping a Fanny Pack o' Friendliness"

Merlin's Lists of Five Things
Sample list: "Five things it would probably be disingenuous for me to rap about"
Sample item from list: "my milkshake"