"The good news is..."

Bush put his foot in his mouth the other day. I know that's a shocker:

"The good news is -- and it's hard for some to see it now -- that out of this chaos is going to come a fantastic Gulf Coast, like it was before. Out of the rubbles of Trent Lott's house -- he's lost his entire house -- there's going to be a fantastic house. And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch. (Laughter.)"

Dubner compares it to Dukakis's bloodless abdication of vengeance against the hypothetical guy who raped and murdered his wife. But it's worse than that. It's like Churchill comforting bombed out Britons with the prospect of all the fine curry joints that'll soon open where their homes used to stand.

So you know what? If he can take this lightly, we can play a little game. Using Bush's above quote as inspiration and stylistic template, jump in the time machine and put Bush on the podium after other great disasters and calamities. What does he think about the plague? The sacking of the Temple? The burning of Rome? The defeat of the French? Remember -- all entries have to have Bush coming from the perspective of the afflicted, and all have to be as grossly inappropriate as this one. The best ones will go up on the main page later today.

The good news---and this may be hard for some to see it now---is that our of the ruins of Mordor there is going to come a whole new Mordor. Out of what's left of Sauron---and he's lost his entire body---there's going to be erected a great whole new tower. And I look forward to sitting on its battlements eye-to-eye with him, and laughing at the small angry men with burning faces and hairy feet with him.

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The good news is -- could someone stop that guy coughing in the back? Thanks. The good news is that we have contained the plague. A lot of good people, hard workin' people, have put their effort into separating out the victims and giving them the best care available so that the rest of us, of you, really, can get on with rebuilding our lives. And the really great news is that those houses, the infected houses and and such, that we're burning down because they harbor infection, those houses and businesses are going to be replaced by some hedges and in no time at all the Church will have some sheep out there grazing and it will be really pastoral, really beautiful. People will come from miles around to gaze at the sheep and think about all the people who used to live in this village, so you'll all be remembered. Now just head on down the road a bit towards London. I hear things are okay over there and we'll make sure you have what you need -- what's that? -- Okay, sorry, I guess...I guess they're sayin' we'll make sure you know the way.

 

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All of the citizens of New York will have a glorious new Starbucks. Did I mention I love my cappuccino?