A couple of recent discussions with friends about dating in general and online dating in particular led me to look up the "Rules" ladies. For those who missed the 1990s, The Rules was something of a publishing phenomenon, claiming to show women the surefire way to snag a man, through such revolutionary and avant-garde methods such waiting for him to call and pretending to be busy all the time.
Well, it would appear that they've updated their message for the
cyber-age. Here are the new Rules (same as the old Rules). My
comments are in italics.
All rules are based on three premises: A man must initially feel a spark for a woman; the man must pursue the woman; and all men love a challenge.
Here are their "Rules For Online Dating;"
- Don't answer men's ads or email them first. -
Answering a man's ad is to pursue a man; it's no different from
approaching a man at a party or a bar, calling him, and asking him out.
He knows you like him and the party is over. If he does end up dating
you, you'll never know if he's dating you because it's easy and
convenient for him or because he's really crazy about you. But
wouldn't it work the other way around? Shouldn't guys be afraid that
their women are just going out with them because it's easy? Maybe I'd
better check with my husband and see if he married me just because it
was easy and convenient and not because he's really crazy about me.
After all, I did invite him over to my house for dinner when we first
starting going out...
- Create a good screen name. Yeah, good idea.
- Pick one that is not
boring but not too sexy, not too ho-hum but not too marriage minded.
How about Iaminterestedinmeetingsomeone Imreallycoolandwhosdesperate
notmenosireebob! Do
not go to the other extreme either and attract a man who is just
interested in sex. So bigolehooters is right out, then. Strive
for something in the middle. Be descriptive.
Good examples:
BlondBeauty50
PetiteBrunette34
If those were good examples, I'd hate to see bad ones. Sorry, those are just crying out for tons of messages from guys with names like SlickWilly123 saying things like "What's your bra size?"
- Less is more when writing your ad. - When answering
the questionaires an online Web site requires, give the impression that
you just threw some answers down with a cute picture on your way to the
gym or work. Yeah, convey the impression that you don't give a shit.
While you're at it, leave a few typos in your post. Guys dig that.
After all you are very busy. Shades of Bridget Jones. And, do not
answer questions
that you would not answer on a first date. Fair enough. But some
people volunteer information on a first date that you'd wish they'd keep
to themselves! Mistakes: Women who
say they are looking for love or marriage or who are willing to
relocate; women who post more than one ad on the same web site
(desperate); women who post three or four photos in the same ad;eWomen
who write long answers that have a Hallmark touch to them. OK,
I can see not offering to move, and posting more than one ad on a site
is ludicrous. I agree that posting too many pictures is probably
counterproductive and that writing a cheesy message is worse. But a
profile is a chance to summarize yourself briefly. If you want to get
married, why disguise that fact and risk getting together with someone
who doesn't believe in marriage? And by the way, people who don't
believe in getting married should probably say that too.
- Post a smiling photo. - Men don't focus on what you
write as long as they like your photo. Don't worry your pretty little
head about all them big words! Don't use anything too provocative.
For the women who don't want someone to know about their new hobby: get over it and put up your picture, it's really not a big deal. Ads with pictures get more responses. This is true for men and women. On the other hand, I think women get cyberstalked more than men do!
- Wait 24 hours to respond. O.K., hate to say but
I'd probably end up doing that myself.
- Don't answer on weekends or holidays
Ditto.
- Write light and breezy Emails. - Do not respond to
a man who sends his profile or photo only. If an email comes with no
photo, respond "Would love to see a photo. Thanks." That's it;
nothing
else. If he refuses to send a picture, there is a reason. When he does
send the picture, if you like it, answer with a: "Thanks!" no
"Nice
abs" or "Cute Pic". Don't tell him that you read his ad. Do
not respond
to anything that was in the ad, such as i.e. my brother is also an
accountant. What? No "Nice buttocks?!" What if they have a
really cool tattoo or unusual piercing?
- Never Email a man a second time if he neglected to respond to
your Email. If you get an angry Email that says he wants more
than three lines in an email from you, press DELETE and refer to rule #13.
Yeah, angry emails that early on = troubled soul you don't want
to deal with. But on the first point, emails do get lost
sometimes, so I don't see what's wrong with writing one more time.
- For the first three months, don't initiate an Email, only
respond.
if he sends you jokes and "did I tell you how cute you are?"
notes, do
not respond. Wait for third one and only then write back. Apart
from the horrible grammar here ("wait for third one"?) if I was
writing
to some guy for three months a) I'd be really annoyed if he never
emailed back and b) I'd wonder why the heck we didn't just meet in
person.
- Block yourself from Instant Messages.
From everybody? Or just random weird guys on the
Internet?
- Don't volunteer your phone number first.
Yeah, numbers should be exchanged at the same time. Or women
should get the number first. Safety concerns, you know...
- If he doesn't ask you out within four Emails,
Delete/Next
Yeah. Meet in person sooner than later, so as not to drag things
out.
- Screen out Mr. Wrong
Well, DUH. Now how does one do THAT, Mrs. and Mrs.
Einstein?
- Don't waste your time on time-wasters
More priceless pearls of wisdom!
- Don't force the relationship from Email to phone
Now
that's just DUMB. You can't tell a thing about a person from emails
except he is a good (or bad) writer. If they don't want to talk on the
phone to you, something's not right.
- Put safety first
Again with the universe-shattering brilliance!
- Don't ad-interrogate on dates "So do you REALLY like Pina Colatas? And getting caught in the rain? Are you as into champagne as you said you are? YOU LIED TO ME YOU SON-OF-BITCH!"
OK so that's that. It's amazing people end up getting together at all, if you ask me. For your further edification and reading pleasure, there's this article in Wired:
Last year, Janet Lever, a sociologist at California State University at Los Angeles, conducted a survey on cybersex and romance. "(We found that) a lot of people used the dating sites who never wanted to meet anyone," she says. "Women especially had to learn how to distinguish between guys looking for flirty and dirty talk from the men who wanted to meet. And it turns out that an almost equal number of people met someone through erotic chat rooms."
I can attest to the fact that erotic chat rooms and online dating sites are not as far apart as one might expect. Hooking up with someone from an adult chat room did tend to presuppose that we would have sex, while dating someone from online personals was not as much of a sure thing.
But overall, the combination of verbal foreplay and actual sex follows similar patterns regardless of where you start...
I guess nothing ever really changes. Humans are humans, even with
technological enhancement.
